So just 3 days back, which is 31st May, me and my mum kind of got into a HUGE fight, VERBAL fight. It's kind of just the two of us living together which makes it so damn easy to get into an argument, which i never even wanted to start.. It basically all comes down to financial stuff and my attitude & what not. It's just a chance for her to bring me down and make me feel worthless. So here is the story.
One day i went to visit the doctor to get my pelvis ultra scan done(because i have really bad menstrual cramp & the doctor asked me to go for the scan) & the following week (which is the day i quarreled with my mum), i went to see the doctor for consultation to get my report, for some reason i was referred to SGH for a specialist to further look into the report, so of course that means more $$$ needed to be spent.
(before i went home something happen betweet me and my bf, but i don't need to say it, so i shall save it.)
I went home and told my mum about the referral & she just started her story of how doctors like to trick patients into getting more scans, more consultations when the patient is actually fine. Then she said things like if she were to go for a full body check up she would be 'found' to have many problems and doctors would told her to go for this and that scan, a whole list of it, just cause they found something wrong (which might not be serious) wrong in some part of the body. I know her point is that, we might be fine, but doctors just want to earn more money by telling us patients that there is something minor wrong with them and they would just recommend them to go for scans and they would, which allows doctors to earn more money. I mean yes, that can be true, but there might be something really wrong with us right. Just because she experienced many of this cases and she found out actually she has nothing wrong, doesn't mean it applies to everybody right. That is what really pisses me off. She assumes everything & then just say whatever she wants without giving a damn about how people would feel about it. But at end of the day, i still agree that doctors sometimes exaggerate patients medical condition, to make them a lil paranoid, which leads to them spending money to get checkups done and shit, but there is always another side of story, which is my point. Then we quarreled over like comparison stuff. My mum loves to compare me with my sis and she did, so i felt really upset when she said those things so i cried. I am girl, i cry a lot. I was tearing up so bad i ignored whatever my mum said and she gave up talking to me so i just hid in my room and cried. Then my bf texted me asking if i am hungry, i say i am not, and he called me asking if i'm hungry, i say i am not, then he texted my and say he left a chocolate bar outside my place, i think he thought i didn't want to see him after what happen just now(the part i didn't want to say) so he just left the chocolate there, which i assume he is nearby my place and since he he didn't know what happen between me and my mum, i just asked him if he could come up to my place as i was feeling really down, and he did came. He still didn't know what happen and i refuse to tell him as well, so he just cuddled and hug me to comfort me, which makes me feel better and i appreciate that a lot & the fact that it was really late already, he still made the effort to come down to my place to get me chocolate and even came to my place itself <3 He left when i wanted to go to bed already. That kind of end that night(31st May), but it is not really the end.
Next morning.
Reason why i don't like to wake up early is because of my mum, i always pretend i am still sleeping when she walks in just so i don't have to communicate with her. But i couldn't escape it.. So that morning(1st June), i woke up, did my wash up and continue staying in bed because i have nothing better to do. Other than going to school with my mum for some school stuff which didn't happen, you'll know why later. & guess what, she continued her nag from yesterday & add a few stuff.. she add on things like saying how menstrual cramp is normal & it might just be another symptoms of menses so there is not much big of deal about it, and menstrual cramps happen to everybody & there is no way we can define how painful is it because how well each women can handle the pain is different, so it's not possible to define the pain, and her point is to tell me that maybe it wasn't that painful at all, i just couldn't handle the pain & making a whole drama exaggerating it, which pisses me off even more, because i am a girl who can handle pain quite well just that she dont know it. But the cramps are just ridiculously painful, she just don't understand, but she just acts like she knows me.. Then it comes down to my boyfriend. I told her how my bf always care for me when i a having my cramps & how she doesn't give a damn & all she asked me to do is to take pills, so she said, 'you are having cramps, how do you expect me to show care to you, there is nothing really much i can do right, i know Sean(my bf) care for you, comfort you, because that is what he should do & also it's normal when girl sees her bf and exaggerates a lil more of the pain to gain more care and love.' THIS PISSES ME OFF BIG TIME OH MY GOODNESS I COULDN'T COMPREHEND THAT ANGER. HOLY SHIT. She says i put on act especially when my bf is around, come on mum, i know you do that, but i don't okay, i am not an attention seeking bitch that needs sympathy, i can take care of myself and he is just a bonus for me & i am lucky to have him. I felt so insulted, like i don't even know man..
Moving on.
Not only that, my mum talks about how i was reacting to what she is talking about(which the whole chunk above) & says that i just think she is bullshitting and stuff & i replied in a very like 'because-you-say-so-that's-why-i-decided-to-do-that' kind of way.. The way i reply was(after she said everything), 'Then i don't go for the follow up lah, anyway it's not big deal, if everyone is having the pain that i have, there is no need for me to go what' I answered like that and she is also not happy, i really don;t know what she wants. Then we got so into the topic we started yelling at each other, i just started crying my eyes out cause i am angry & i disagree with everything she says about me. I told her 'YOU DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, NO CAUSE YOU NEVER EVEN TALK TO ME, I'M ALWAYS ALONE & YOU ARE ALWAYS DOING YOUR OWN STUFF, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME' then she yelled at me back to, which was basically the same thing that i say, but from her P.O.V. Then she was so mad she almost slapped me and hit me in a not-so-slappy way. But she didn't hit me. I was too old for that i guessed. But we still quarreled pretty crazily till the extent that i couldn't take it any more, i put on my clothes, and just storm off the house. I was bawling my eyes out, i couldn't breath from all the mucus stuck in my nose & it's just hard to catch my breath, and the first thing i did was called my bf. I was crying over the phone and shit, saying i wanted to go find him & so i did. I went to the void deck below his house & i was still crying, because i was so hurt by the words my mum said and he tried comforting me, but i wasn't answering him when he asked me what happen, i wasn't prepared to say the whole thing, i might just break down even more, so i kind of just had the moment to myself until i saw him taking out his books to study then i decided to just ask him to go back & study, i can be alone. At that moment i just felt that i am so annoying, i am burden to everybody & nobody likes me being around. So i decided to just walk away, it took quite sometime to ask my bf to go home and leave me alone, but he eventually did. When I left him, i was still in tears, more tears actually, i didn't know what to do, then i realise how i alone i am, nobody actually really cares, they are just more curious than anything else. Which really hit me. I took a long walk, really long, i just kept walking and walking and walking, for at least 3-4 hours I've been walking, sweating like crazy and smelling bad.. i cleared my mind and those tears just stop flowing down, i was like brain dead, just walking around. No feelings no nothing, i just felt lost and depress, to the extent that i think if i were to die at the moment, somebody would pop a champagne and celebrate my death.. It was really one of the worst feelings ever. I was so alone i couldn't even feel the existence of anybody around me. Death was so close to me. I felt worthless, i felt like a burden, i felt like i was nothing. It was horrible. It's like a walk to hell and i don't even know what pulled me out from there.It's not even the end.
My mum text me about the school event that we were suppose to attend together, and said i better be home immediately, because i was irresponsible and showing attitude. So i told her i am not giving any attitude, i just don't feel like going and she flipped again, so we started the quarreling thing again, but this time over the phone. I know it's my fault to not go with her, but i wasn't in a good condition to go with her, so i told her over the phone nicely, but i don't what's wrong with her, she took it as an excuse to start another argument with me, which lasted when i took bus 88 from Pasir Ris all the way to Toa Payoh and then back again, but to a bus stop that was just before the expressway to Pasir Ris. When i got off it was just nice that my mum send me 'Nvm' and the whole thing stop. I was lost again, so i just sat down at the bus stop, waiting for nothing, just sitting down there staring into blank space. Soon after my bf text me that, it's going to rain and asked me where am i. I told i was sheltered and there is no need to worry, he was worried and we texting awhile, he said he wanted to come find me, but i just didn't want to see anybody, really. I just wanted to be alone. How ironic huh, i always complain how much i hate being alone & now when my bf wants to accompany i am pushing him away.. In the end, we came to a conclusion that i can be alone until night then will send me home, cause he just had to make sure i am safely home, i understood his concern and so i said yes. In between when we were texting, the rain just came pouring down like mad and guess what, for the first 10mins i was just sitting at the bus stop like an idiot, letting the rain rain on me. Everybody at the bus stop was rushing in the bus or busy sheltering themselves, nobody was sitting at the seats because it was wet and the rain has no mercy at all. but i was the only one sitting down there, letting the rain get me & i started shivering, my mouth was shaking badly as well, i really couldn't take it so i stood up and walk towards the shelter, but the shelter wasn't really helping and i was really freezing already so i ran into the void deck, found a corner where there is no way rain can get me and just a little bit of wind. I was feeling better, but i was still shaking like mad, chills, BIG CHILLS down my spine for over a hundreds of times.. That feeling was awful. I was cold, hungry, thirsty, drenched, smelly. I didn't eat anything since i woke up and i just storm out of the house with no money, what an idiot right. I felt 2 of the worst feelings in a day, that is how bad my day was. I felt so pathetic, almost like a begger, except i didn't beg for anything.
Anyway
I made my way down to Compass Point when the rain wasn't that heavy anymore, when i got to a flight of stairs and reached the last step, i slipped and fell because i was wearing slipper that has no friction at all.. The guys behind me was giggling, not sure if they were giggling at me or not, but i was so embarrassed i stood rooted to the ground for at least 5-10mins before i made my way to Compass Point. I can't even explain how bad that day was.. Sigh. When i got to compass point i remembered my bf got me a Starbucks mini card which has 2 complimentary drinks inside so i decided to go get a drink. & with my mental state at that time, i got a freaking venti size white chocolate mocha ICE BLENDED. I felt killing myself swallowing down that drink. I had no choice, i was really thirsty.. I was so stupid i could have got the hot one but i don't even know what i was thinking and got the ice blended one.. i was indoor and i still kept shaking and shivering when drinking it cause i t was so cold.. I don't know if i should be blessed that i got a drink or angry that i was so cold and i made myself feel worst by drinking a ice blended drink.. After that drink i went to hide in the toilet till the time i was suppose to meet my bf, which is 7pm outside KOI. It was warm inside the toilet so i just had to stay inside. Thank god i asked my bf to get a t shirt for me and thank god for him he brought a jacket for me.. i was really in bad state, i couldn't even believe how i pulled through that day.. I was so glad he came and when i saw him i gave him the first smile of that day. I love him so much. I accompanied him to dinner and then my phone died, my sis had to called my bf and tell me how my mum is crying over the phone when talking to her and asked me to go home and stuff, i promised i would go back, but only if my mum is already asleep when i got home. So that period of time from i met my bf to i got home, like i said we went for dinner & then i accompany him to study before he send me home and accompany me at home. I am really glad i have him in my life. He is like my pillar, my strength to move on in life. I always have breakdowns and he is very often the one that pick me up when that happens & I love him very very much.
I dedicate this song to him, because i can relate to it very well <3
So this ends of my ranting post or i should call it story. Don't judge me, you don't know me & NO i am not trying gain sympathy from anybody, i was just trying to tell my own story on my own blog. Deal with it. Bye love you all. And yes i do have mild depression, no big deal. Bye again.
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